The Fatman Express
by familyguyfan
Summary: In this spoof of, The Polar Express Bart, who doesn't believe in Santa goes on a journey where he tries to believe in Santa. Rated T for language.
1. The Begining

Greetings everyone! Please Read and Review!

On Christmas Eve, many years ago, there was a 10 year old boy named, Bart Simpson, lying quietly in his bed. He did not rustle his sheets. He breathed slowly and silently. He listened for a sound that he has never heard before. Bart looked around and heard Santa's sleigh bells. He rushed down stairs and looked at the tree. No presents were there. Bart then looked at the milk and cookies. Nothing happened. Homer bent down to Lisa and said, "Okay you had your glass of water and now it's back to bed."

"But dad!" Lisa groaned.

"Lisa, Santa's on his way right now." Homer said as he put his hand on her shoulder.

Lisa yawned and said, "Okay dad. I hope you're right."

"Good night Lisa." Homer said as he tucked Lisa in. "Good night dad." Lisa said as she yawned.

Bart quickly jumped into his bed and ducked under the covers. Homer walked into Bart's room and said to Marge, "There's our special boy." Marge chuckled and said, "That's true. It's sad Bart doesn't believe in Santa anymore." Homer sighed and said, "At least he used to stay up all night waiting for Santa."

"Yeah. What happened to that?" Marge asked.

"Maybe it was because I told him that he wasn't real." Homer shrugged.

"HOMER!" Marge yelled.

"Merry Christmas." Homer said to Bart.

Once Homer and Marge left Bart's room, there was a faint train noise coming from a distance, Bart opened one eye and as the noise got louder and louder, Bart put on his robe and rushed outside and saw a big train which read, "Fat Man Express." The conductor walked out the door and yelled, "All aboard!"

Bart walked slowly to the conductor and the conductor yelled, "All aboard!" When Bart got closer to the conductor, he glanced up at him and Peter Griffin said, "You coming?"

"Where to man?" Bart asked Peter.

"Disneyland. Hell no, the North Pole of course." Peter said. "This is the Fat Man Express."

Bart didn't say anything and stood in the snow and Peter said, "So you're not coming."

"Wait!" Bart yelled. "I'm going!"

"Ticket please." Peter said with a smile.

Bart looked through his pockets and pulled out a ticket and gave it to Peter. Peter scrambled through the ticket and made a word in it and Bart entered the train. Once on the train, Bart entered the door and saw kids singing. Bart sat down on the closest seat near the window and a nerdy kid named, Steve asked, "Do you know what kind of train this is?"

"It's a magic train. We're going to the North Pole." Cleveland Jr. said.

"Well duh I know it's a magic train." Steve said and snorted.

"Are we really going to the North Pole?" Bart asked.

Cleveland Jr. nodded and said excitedly, "Look! Presents and toys!" Everyone rushed to Bart's window and gasped with amazement. "Just look at those lights." Cleveland Jr. said as his eyes glittered. Peter punched everyone's tickets and went back to the back of the train and immediately turned around and said, "Excuse me, that's not a toy! I use that for emergencies."

Steve faced Bart and said, "Look at what the fat guy put on my ticket." His ticket read, "F-U." Bart laughed and the train stopped at Nelson's house. Bart gulped and when Nelson got on the train, Bart shivered and Nelson said, "I'm not here to pick on you. I'm looking for my dad."

When the train started moving again, Peter said, "What do you guys want to drink?"

"HOT CHOCOLATE!" everyone yelled.

Peter sighed and said, "Oh. That's what you wanted? I got beer instead and well, since you're all minors I might as well find some hot chocolate."

"We're going to die!" a kid shouted as he ran out of the moving train screaming with fear.

"Thank God. One less kid to get on my nerves." Peter said as he sighed.

When the wind blew, Cleveland Junior's ticket blew out the window and Bart grasped the ticket and Peter picked up Cleveland Jr. and said, "Ticket please."

He searched everywhere and said, "I can't find it."

Peter sighed and walked to the side of the train and Bart said, "I found his ticket."

It was too late. Cleveland Jr. and Peter disappeared into the fog and Bart ran as fast as he could to give the ticket to Cleveland Jr. "May I help you?" Quagmire asked.

"I'm looking for a boy." Bart said.

Quagmire smiled and said, "Going all the way?"

Bart sighed and said, "I have to give him his ticket."

Quagmire looked at the ticket and said, "Looks expensive. Keep it in your pocket there."

Bart nodded and said, "Will do."

"Sit down. Take a load off." Quagmire said as he moved over to make room for Bart.

"I guess so." Bart said as he sat down next to Quagmire.

"So tell me about Santa." Bart said as he looked at the fire.

Quagmire paused and said, "You're talking about the fat guy right?"

"I guess so." Bart sighed. "I just want to believe."

"Then believe." Quagmire suggested.

"I can't." Bart said sadly.

Quagmire stumbled and said, "You'll be fooled!"

"Why?" Bart asked.

"You don't wanna be led down the primrose path. You don't wanna be conned or duped, have the wool pulled over your eyes. Hoodwinked. You don't wanna be taken for a ride, railroaded. Seeing is believing. Am I right?" Quagmire explained.

"But what about this train? We're going to the North Pole right?" Bart asked.

Quagmire got up and said, "Let's put this conversation behind us and let's go find that guy."

"How's it possible?" Bart wondered.

"Get on my back kid." Quagmire said.

Quagmire skied down the train and Bart landed in the front of the train where he saw Cleveland Jr. driving the train. "Look at me! I'm an engineer." He shouted excitedly. "You're going to get in trouble!" Bart warned Cleveland Jr. A voice from the front yelled, "Stop the train." Bart pushed Cleveland Jr. to the side and pulled a rope and the train stopped. When the train stopped, Peter stomped to the front and said, "What the hell was that?" Cleveland Jr. pointed to Bart and Peter said, "I should've known. Young man, do you ever want to reach the North Pole?"

"But look! There's horse crossing!" Cleveland Jr. said as he pointed out the window.

"Horse crossing?" Peter asked confused.

"There's a million of them." Bart said.

Peter took out a magazine and threw it away from the train and the horses chased after the magazine. A while later, when Bart had the chance, he gave Cleveland Jr. back his ticket and said, "This is yours." "It is?" he asked. "Yeah. Sorry." Bart said as he handed Cleveland Jr's. ticket. Peter quickly punched, "F-U" in the ticket and Bart said, "That looks like what the know-it-all kids ticket."

Bart looked out the window and said, "We're here! We reached the North Pole!" Peter and the kids rushed to Bart's window and gasped with amazement. "Where are the elves?" Cleveland Jr. asked. Peter laughed and said, "Over there in Santa's Brewery."

Once everyone got out Peter said, "All right. All right, ladies and gentleman. Two columns, if you please. Shorter in the front, taller in the rear. Even-numbered birthdays on the right, odd-numbered on the left. Come on. Don't make me give you a prostate exam in front of everyone. Its five minutes 'til midnight."

"What gives? It was five minutes four minutes ago." Steve said.

"Exactly." Peter said.

Bart looked at the Fat Man Express and saw Nelson sitting inside the train. "Why isn't he coming?" Bart asked. Peter turned to Bart and said, "No one is required to see Santa. Unless you got coal one year then who cares." Bart walked up to Nelson and said, "You look lonely." Tears fell from Nelsons eyes and Nelson said, "Christmas has never worked out for me and never will." Bart frowned and said, "But Christmas is a wonderful time of year. It's a time for being thankful for friends and family. People hang decorations and lights. Santa leaves presents under our Christmas trees."

Nelson sighed and said, "Christmas…doesn't work out for me."

Bart tugged Nelson and said, "I'll show you what Christmas is. Follow me." Cleveland Jr. joined Bart and Nelson and said, "I hear bells!" Bart sighed and said, "I don't hear anything." Nelson laughed and said, "You can't hear!" A while later, Bart, Nelson, and Cleveland Jr. could see the elves putting the wrapped gifts into the big bag filled with gifts. Stewie, the tiny elf said, "That's the last of them."

"What did it look like?" an elf asked Stewie.

Stewie thought for a minute and said, "It had some Transformers wrapping on it with a red bow."

The elf gave Stewie a weird look and said, "That is so gay. I mean I can understand the Transformers wrapping paper but a red bow on it? What is wrong with this guy?"

An alarm blasted and Stewie said, "There's an error in section 32. Little Tommy is on the naughty list. I repeat, little Tommy is on the naughty list."

"What'd he do?" the elf asked.

Stewie looked at the list and said, "He put gum in Suzie's hair and put a tack on the teachers chair. That's one bad egg."

"Well it's Christmas. Let's give him a chance. The big guy won't realize it." The elf said.

"Peter?" Stewie asked.

"No you idiot. Santa Claus!" the elf said.

Stewie sighed and said, "I guess you're right."


	2. The Fantastic Journey

Bart looked over at Nelson, as he walked over to the big red bag and asked, "What are you doing?" Nelson turned around and said, "Buzz off! I'm looking for my gift." Cleveland Jr. looked around and said, "We're going to miss everything." "I FOUND IT!" Nelson hollered. Bart and Cleveland Jr. rushed over to the big bag and Bart yelled, "Get down from there!! We're going to get caught!"

The card read, "To Nelson: Merry Christmas. From: Santa" Tears fell from his eyes and Nelson said, "I think I know what it is. I've always wanted it my whole life." Suddenly, something started pulling Bart down and he hollered, "Something's got me!" Nelson did his trademark laugh and said, "You're going to die!" Cleveland Jr. jumped under the presents and pushed Steve, out on the surface of the gifts. "You!" everyone except Steve shouted. "What are you doing here?" Bart asked.

"Duh! Checking my presents." Steve snapped back. "So far I found some new underwear with planes on them. What am I? 4?"

The elves saw the kids in the bag and Stewie said, "Hey look! New toys that needs to be wrapped!" An elf looked down and said, "Come on out of there. Don't worry, you guys aren't in trouble." Everyone slid down the bag and Bart looked around worried and the elf in front of him said, "Relax. It's Christmas! Enjoy."

Bells rung all around and Cleveland Jr. yelled, "He's here! It's him! I see him!"

"Who's he?" Bart asked confused.

Nelson lifted Bart up on his shoulders and Bart couldn't see anything. Bart then remembered what Quagmire told him. "Seeing is believing."

"I got to believe. But I can't." Bart thought.

"You can't?" Santa asked as he looked down at Bart.

"I…believe." Bart murmured.

Santa bent down on one knee and said, "I believe this is yours."

Bart looked at the ticket and said, "Thanks."

"Pick me Santa! Pick me!" Steve shouted as he waved his hand excitedly.

"Patience young man." Santa said with a stern look on.

Santa walked over to Cleveland Jr. and said, "And you, young man. A man of decision. Full of confidence and spirit. Christmas spirit. Keep up the good work."

Cleveland Jr. nodded and Santa walked towards Nelson and said, "Nelson, you are a true friend. There's no greater gift than friendship. And speaking of gifts, let's choose this young man." And Santa pointed to Bart.

"Me?" Bart asked as he pointed to himself. Santa smiled and nodded. Bart sat on Santa's knee and Santa asked, "What would you like for Christmas?" Bart whispered something in Santa's ear and so Santa said, "Behold, the first gift of Christmas!" Everyone cheered and Bart took the bell from Santa and Peter gave Bart a smile. "All aboard!" Peter announced.

Everyone lined up in front of the train and Peter said, "Please have your tickets ready."

After Peter punched Steve's ticket and Steve looked at his ticket and said, "Lean? What's that supposed to mean?" Peter giggled and said, "You idiot, lean is spelt with four letters. I believe I punched in five." Steve waved his fist at Peter and looked at his ticket again and said, "It says learn. My bad." Peter smiled and said, "Lesson learned."

Peter punched Nelson's ticket and said, "You have one special ticket." Nelson looked at the ticket and sobbed and said, "Thanks."

Cleveland Jr. was next and he looked at his ticket and asked, "Lead? Like a lead balloon?"

"I'm sure it's pronounced lead as in leadership." Peter said as he put Cleveland Jr. in the train. Now finally Bart. I'm sure we all seen the movie before but in this version Bart's ticket had a smiley face on it. This my friends is where the story ends. But what happened after that? As Bart grew older, the ringing of the bell faded and eventually, he stopped believeing.

The End


End file.
